ECO is pleased to share leaked minutes from a secret meeting detailing Prime Ministers’ Harper and Howard’s Nairobi strategy.

Prime Ministers Stephen Harper and John Howard are joined in their mutual dismay at the direction of the climate change negotiations. These two philosopher-statesmen have dug deep into their infinite intellectual resources and brought forth ideas so profound that to the common mind they may appear to be simply nonsense.   

Harper and Howard have generously agreed to bestow their collective wisdom upon the negotiations. And so Harper and Howard instructed their faithful disciples, Ministers Ambrose and Campbell, to travel to distant Nairobi to bring their blessed wisdom to the masses huddled in the confines of Gigiri, where they will certainly be greeted as liberators from the intellectual oppression that has hitherto reigned.

Their inspirational solutions are:

• The world must awake to the worldly and unworldly benefits that flow from the coal seams of Australia and the oil sands of Canada;
• The wise leaders of the companies engaged in producing and distributing these bountiful blessings, can be entrusted to dispose of all waste with absolute wisdom, and the public purse should reimburse them at the rate they deem necessary;
• In order to maintain a proper balance of the energies of the universe, any numerical limitations on the emissions issuing from the good works of these countries shall be first imposed tenfold on all other countries;
• Any impacts of such emissions affecting the southernmost of these two lands shall be the focus of all attentions and resources of the world, to the exclusion of all others.

The honourable emissaries have sent in advance some words to hearten and inspire the delegates.

Minister Campbell has sent the joyful news: “There is great enthusiasm for Australia’s position on new Kyoto.” And in case there was doubt in the realm about the utility of applying Howard’s infinite wisdom to such a mundane issue as climate, he added: “Australians can be proud of the work we’re undertaking on their behalf in this important climate change battle.”

Minister Ambrose also brings glad tidings: “We’re on track to meet all of our obligations under the Kyoto Protocol but not the target.” And to reassure anyone concerned about that all but insignificant failing, she adds “but we have the support of the international community.”